


Red welts

by HarmonicFriction



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Come Swallowing, Cunnilingus, Drunk Sex, Ex Sex, F/M, Fisting, Hate Sex, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Light-Hearted, Love/Hate, Mommy Issues, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 13:59:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3694961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarmonicFriction/pseuds/HarmonicFriction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lana loses all inhibition after getting drunk and horny.  Archer makes a deal to give her ten orgasms before the sun comes up, and it's his choice how he gets her off.  Of course, he makes sure to take care of his own needs as much as he possibly can. [ Wise-cracks, unresolved sexual tension, in-character banter, and immense amounts of smut]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue  (the deal)

"N. O."  Lana paused, catching Archer's steely eyes and casting him with a dark glower.  "And what does that spell?"  She let the words sink in as she tossed back the end of her drink.  This was a mistake.  The last taste was strong and boozy instead of sweet; most of the double clearly had been waiting at the bottom of her glass to strike.  

She hadn't felt drunk yet, only buzzed, but with the last of this fourth tequila sunrise her knees buckled and she stumbled slightly.  Just  _slightly_ enough that her tits momentarily touched his chest before she pulled back, steadying herself against the table behind her. 

"It spells you're drunk," Archer said with the dirty grin Lana knew all too well.  _Shit. Shit. Shit._  "Don't worry,” he said in a mock-reassuring tone. “So am I." 

She wanted to spit at him. _I'm not worried,_ she wanted to say, but her mouth suddenly felt very dry. He finished what appeared to be straight vodka in exactly three swallows and lurched forward to put his hand on her hip, squeezing her there hard before cupping her ass.  She could smell him, strong and familiar: pomade and Chanel and his lips, sharply toxic like paint thinner.

" _Yay,_ you're  _drunk_. Big surprise, " she snapped, head growing foggier by the second. How did one after work cocktail turn into four doubles, and how did five o'clock  become midnight so goddamn fast?  All the others had gone off home hours ago, except for Pam,  _of course._ Last Lana had seen, Pam had been watching them arguing, hopefully, by the pinball machines with a look of lust in her eyes either meant for her, or for Sterling, or for the two of them together.  But it seemed even Pam had left now. 

Lana wondered how she could let this happen, how she could end up here one-on-one in a seedy bar, drunker than she'd been in months, with  _him._

That thought sobered her up for a second and the feeling of his hand on her made her heartbeat pulse, made her act. Or try to. She gritted her teeth and made to slap him away but he just groped her harder, his fingers finding the crease of her fitted dress, finding that tight, narrow line between her buttocks and driving his palm against it like a hard, vertical salute.  She tried not to moan.  

 "You stupid idiot," she managed to say into his ear through clenched teeth.  "Never again.  You...were a mistake, my worst one, and I'm never..." He drove his hand against the crease just a bit harder. "Ever," she breathed, and then lost her train of thought, head swirling.

"Lana, shut up," he said, and as usual, he seemed too articulate to be drunk.  But she knew him well enough to understand that it would soon set in and he'd be a real hot fucking mess.  "When you get all girl power, strong woman-" he snapped his fingers right in front of her face-" all it makes me want to do is shove your panties in your mouth, tape it up, and pound your vag so hard you can't sit for days."   All this delivered with a cheerful grin and a laugh.  _Cockass. Buh._

"Oh my  _god,_ you're so..."  She trailed off, her head spinning again.   _Shit._ "So stupid."   At once, the pressure left her ass and she looked up to see him walking away, toward the bar.  Her body settled again, and she emitted a sigh.  Close call.  One of a million close calls in the past year or so since they'd officially broken up.  Good thing, too, because this had been different.  She had  _almost_ been tempted.   _Not quite._

So what , they'd had some good sex?  Lana did not need him in her life again.  Let him stumble back home and dial-a-hooker, wake up the next morning, head searing, with his face in a toilet.  She needed to get out of here before he...

He was coming toward her, slowly now, a fresh shot glass of tequila in his grasp.  He plucked the lime from rim of the glass and cast it to the floor before taking the shot in one go.  She found herself staring at the way he licked his lips when he was through, the way he wiped them on the back of his black sleeve, the way he used to do after tongue-fucking her until she came with her toes curled and her mouth wide open.  

When he reached her, he studied her with a casual smirk.  "I'm feeling generous.  So I'll call us a cab," he said loudly and grandly, "and on the way, you can decide whether or not you're going to be riding my hard boner tonight."

Lana glared at him and grabbed her coat, willing her feet to work.  Luckily she was able to take several steps without wobbling.  _Too much._   "Obviously, you're shit out of luck.  Hope you enjoy jerking your sorry dick off," she spat, and then inhaled sharply when he drew her to his side, his nails pricking her through the thinly knit fabric of her dress.

He held her by the arms just like he used to, pinning them to her sides and scratching her, just barely. He leaned into her hair, his mouth in her ear, his breath hot.  She squirmed, remembering all too well this very same position from too many times before to count. She wanted to elbow him so hard in the chest that it knocked the air out of him.  She wanted to slap his stupid face, tell him how much better she was without him.  She wanted him to know he wasn't anything special.

But then:

 _"Lana,"_ he said in a murky, deep whisper that swam through her veins.   _"Lana, Lana,"_ he said, and after that, it was all one deeply spoken, murmured word into her hair, his tongue flicking out to touch her earlobe: 

_"Lanayoulooksogood,_  
goddamnitLana,Iwanttofuckyou,  
_I'mgonnafuckyou,I'mgonnauseyou,_  
_justwatch,_  
_youwantmycock,don'tyou,_  
_youdo,_  
_you'remine,Lana,_  
_don'tyourememberhowgooditfelt?"_

She let out a whimper and felt her shoulders relax against him, and  _Jesus fuck,_ she felt that idiot prick smile against her skin.  Lana jerked out of his grasp and fixed him with a scowl.  His dumb ass grin fell off his face and was replaced with a look of befuddlement.   "Don't get ahead of yourself, A-archer," she muttered back darkly, her drunkenness apparent by the way she stammered slightly.  "I want... I want no less than ten orgasms and you have until dawn."

There was a fat pause.

 

"WOOOO!"  he cheered loudly until she punched him in the chest. "Jesus, Lana!"

"Call that cab, asshat," she snapped, "because I'm seconds away from changing my mind."   As he fumbled for his cell, her eyes wandered down his body: the slick hair, the sleek torso, the clinging trousers... showcasing a very apparent erection.  She rolled her eyes, and ignored the way her cunt pounded for it.

 

 


	2. Fingers + clit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in the cab.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry it took me so long to update. Grad school just begun. This is my first time writing fic for "Archer" and I'm having a fucking blast.

"You fucking _jackass,_ Archer," Lana hissed through her teeth as he slid into the back seat of the taxi cab, toppling against her. " _Ugh!_ God, it's always all or nothing with you, isn't it?  I can't believe I'm doing this-"

"Buyer's remorse already?  Just a second ago, you whispered in my ear how wet you were," he laughed, fingering a piece of her hair.  She swatted him away like a fly and he gave her a pained sort of grin.   

They'd been making out for the twenty minutes it took Speedy Cab to arrive, and Sterling had been pressed right up against Lana's front, his hard cock straining through his suit pants, right between her legs.  God, that had felt amazing.  He'd missed fucking her.  Not so much the _baggage_ that came along with fucking her but, hey, his cock felt at home there. He supposed he _did_ have some nostalgia for the longest relationship with a human being in his entire life...  _Well,_ he thought, _sexual relationship. Because if I'm counting non-sexual, that award totally goes to Woodhouse._

_Wait._

_Why am I thinking about Woodhouse?_

_Stop thinking about him._

_Stop._

_Think about Lana._ That was easy enough to manage. He looked at her breasts, large and perky, hard nipples visible through her tight dress.  By now, he felt the drunkness registering ever so slightly.  He felt ready for another drink, and completely and utterly hungry for her smooth pussy.  A _live._ They were both in a heightened state of arousal, which meant Lana was launching into _I-Can't-Believe-I-Want-to-Fuck-Such-an-Asshole_ Mode.  As per usual.  But he knew she'd come around.  Literally. _Come ._ Around.

Except now her playful bantering was getting a little too sharp for his liking.  She'd blue balled him before, and he didn't want that to be how this night was going to end up. He'd have to attempt to play it cool, at least until they'd fucked at least twice.  _You can do it, buddy.  Just focus._

"That was before you acted like a total racist dick!"

"What?  Racist?'  he sputtered, not expecting it. _What._

"You just complimented our cab driver on his _hat-"  
  
_ "It's a nice hat!" Archer argued loudly, leaning into Lana's neck and breathing heavily, hoping to sway her away from a full-blown flip out.  _Damn,_ he'd missed being with her like this.  As much as he didn't want to, he still had feelings for the sexy, mallet-handed babe that was Lana Kane.  He lowered his face to her cleavage, moaning.

She pushed him away and he made a Face. "Seriously, Lana?  Seriously!"

"You're going to make a move on me in the back of the cab right after you make a racist remark and denied it?  Classic you-"

"Racist?" Archer squawked, still insulted and confused.

 _"Hat?_ Be more culturally sensitive for hell's sake, Archer.  You always did this!  To prove a point and drive me crazy!"

"I don't see what was racist about it," he argued, lethargically trailing his hand up her waist and squeezing her right breast.  She slapped him against the forehead. As usual, part of him was becoming irritated while a small part was a bit turned on by her display of dominance. 

"It's obviously not a _hat._ It's a head covering, Archer.  He's a Sikh!  You're so unaware!"

The vehicle lurched slightly as it stopped for pedestrians crossing, and the driver eyed them in the rearview mirror.  "Excuse me, Madame.  But actually," he said politely, "it _is_ a hat. And I am not a Sikh.  I am agnostic. Because..." he paused mysteriously. "Who knows what is out there.  Am I right?"

Lana's bronze cheeks developed a rosy tarnish as she blushed.  Archer howled. 

"Fuck you," she whispered, and he could hear how wasted she was, could hear her hilarious defeat masked by that bitchy, spitty tone.

"Uhm.  Yeah.  That's the point," he said dryly, a grin crawling onto his face and staying there, curled and long.

"Shut _up!"_ Lana dug one of those giantess mitts into his lower back, her nails out.  Archer hissed back a moan and pressed his own nails into her thigh as the taxi speed off into traffic.  Lana inhaled sharply, her legs trembling. _"Baby,"_ she breathed out. 

 _There it is,_ he thought, _there's my In._ She loosened her grip on him as he tightened his on her, squeezing and scratching for a few more seconds before slipping his hand between her legs.  With a slight swipe, he felt her panties, soft and satin-y ( _please, sweet Mother Mary, let them be the matching white set... Fuck, how retarded, who remembers underwear that well?  I can't act like I remember, she'd totally mock me. Or say that's serial killer behavior.  Which admittedly, it kind of is)_ and slightly damp to the touch.  _Fuck._

"Missed me, hm," he growled under his breath, and without waiting for whatever shitty response she was willing to offer, he wrenched them aside and pulled his index and middle finger against her wet cunt.  She used to get wet super easy, he remembered that now as he slid those two fingers inside her and moved them in and out in a slow motion. Lana moaned and then bit her lip, seemingly at least half-aware they were in public.  Sometimes he could make her wet just from whispering in her ear, _that_ used to be fun: _Yeah, I remember teasing the fuck out of her with that trick, getting her all flustered during work parties, all it took was her name._ As if to prove a point, he teased her with it now, his lips to her ear, fingers striking a hurried rhythm inside her as he whispered, " _Lana,"_ long and slow.

" _Ughhh,"_ she groaned, legs shaking.  Her eyes suddenly came open and switched upon him, shoulders tensing. "We're nearly there-- like Hell you're going to get me off like this, Archer--"

"Shut up, dummy," he said playfully, and pressed two more fingers in her opening.  She hummed out a moan, lips sealed.  _"You want me-"_

"I want you to make me _come,"_ she whispered violently.

"You want my _cock."_

"I _said_ I wanted orgasms.  How you give them to me is irrelevant-"

"You want my cock," he said, and bit her neck.  She seized up.  "You _do."_  In a flash, he removed his four fingers and then pulled his thumb and index finger to her clitoris, tight between her shaved skin and her panties, and rubbed her with as much friction as he could manage, pressing deep and hard the way he knew she loved.  _Old habits die hard._

Lana closed her eyes again and leaned against the seat, her mouth slightly ajar, shapely, pretty lips opening to silently say _Ah_ and _Oh._ "Yes.  Fuck you, but yes," she breathed out.

"Say you want it."

"Not...so...fucking...fast...baby," she said, legs twitching.  He worked her slower, harder, more methodically, pressing, squeezing slightly.   "Oh, _yes,_ baby, tell me what you're gonna do to me tonight- tell me everything-"

"Why spoil the surprise?" he leered, pressing in, moving his thumb faster against her, rubbing as quickly as his hands and the limited amount of space would allow, now.

"Archer, holy God," she whined. _"please. Please tell me."_

Who could resist _that?"_

"I'm going to fuck you so hard you can't stand, Lana, I'm going to make you cry my name-"

She snarled her next words: "Fat chance, dick--"

-"Quiet, for fuck's sake, do you wanna come or not?"  He stopped moving his fingers.

"Oh, _damn it,_ Archer- keep going!"  she whispered insistently.

He laughed and continued. He stroked her for several minutes before speaking again, his voice low and breathy in her ear.  "I'm going to punish you-"

-"Any time spent with you is a punishment-"

"Is that why you're moaning so much?"

"Jesus, yes, God, yes, keep that up, please, yes-"

He pushed against her clit as hard as he could while moving hard against her, rapidly, feverishly.  "I'm going to fuck you, and slap your ass, and finger you, and I'm going to suck that clit, and eat out that amazing, albeit a bit weird, vagina--"

"Can't you ever just-!  Oh!  Oh my-- Oh Archer, Jesus, YES, Archer, YES!  YES!"  she whined, and bucked her hips slightly before leaning back against the seat again.

"That count as crying my name?" he sneered. "I think it did. It totally did."

"Except, not really," Lana snapped. "It wasn't a _cry._ You can do better. I know you can..."

_Challenge accepted._

"Mr. Archer,  we have reached your destination!" announced the cabbie, sounding relieved.

Archer pulled his hand from between Lana's legs.  "Did it in less than ten blocks!  BOOM, LANA!"   He held out his hand for a high-five but she just smacked him upside the head and stumbled out of the taxi.   He turned instead to the cabbie, still expectantly holding up his hand.  "Less than ten blocks.  I'm good.  Am I right?"

There was an awkward pause.

"Well! Forget you!"  Archer shouted. "It was a stupid hat anyway!"

There really was no pleasing some people in the world.  Luckily, he cared little about that sad fact.  The only thing he was interested in right now was being inside Lana... and drinking more alcohol...  But mostly being inside Lana.


End file.
